On this page
The organizing idea
There are two kinds of commitment here, sorted by one question: who is affected.
Container Goals are things you do as a person. When you fall short, the person who misses out is you. Anyone in the room can name them in the moment, and for most of them nothing follows from the naming. The naming is the mechanism.
Violations are things you do to another person. Someone is on the receiving end. There are five, and the list is closed — it can only be expanded by a written decision that is communicated in advance, never in the middle of a conflict.
Three Container Goals are marked with a star. Left unchecked they stop being personal practice and start landing on other people, at which point they become Violation 5.
The twelve Container Goals
These are read aloud in the room. They are practices, not rules.
- Confidentiality is key
Nothing leaves this room with a name or identifying details attached. If you want a higher level of discretion — nothing repeated at all — say so when you share, and it will be honored.
- Witness first
We are here to witness and be witnessed. Quick to listen, slow to speak, as present as possible.
- Receive fully
Do not shrink from love, praise, or reflection. This space is for expanding capacity, including the capacity to absorb and savor positivity.
- Curiosity over certainty
Ask powerful questions and trust each person’s process. The job is to help others reflect, not to hand out conclusions.
- Trust the capacity of others
Everyone is on their own path with innate strength. Honor the experience of others rather than trying to fix or change it.
- Speak cleanly
Differentiate between objective truth, your subjective truth, and your interpretation, and be clear which one you are sharing. This is not a space for dogmatism.
- Ownership language
Use I, me, my. Avoid speaking for others with us or we.
- Triggers are teachers
When something activates you, the invitation is to speak it — what is happening in your body, your mind, your memory. The value is in naming, owning, and feeling it, not managing it quietly.
- Empowerment over victimhood ★
Pain is honored, helplessness is not reinforced. Notice the impulse to rescue, the urge to cast a villain, and the ache to be saved — and step out of all three.
- Repair with intention ★
Take conflict to the person, not around them. No gossip, recruiting allies, or side-taking. Rupture is part of life; repair is part of the work.
- Friendship first ★
This is not a dating circle. It is a space intended for platonic connection. If romantic interest arises, explore it with discernment, integrity, and respect for the container.
- Come prepared
The assigned reading is shared ground. If you are not read up, contribute by listening in the large circle and save participation for the small groups.
The five Violations
You may not share another person’s story, process, vulnerability, conflict, identity, private communication, or personal information outside the container without consent. You may always speak about your own experience.
There are three levels of discretion, named by the speaker before sharing. A retroactive request cannot be honored — once something is heard it cannot be unheard. If no level is named, the default is Level 1.
- Level 1 — Speak about it, but not with my name or identifying details.
- Level 2 — Speak about it only when I am present.
- Level 3 — Do not reference it again.
You may not ignore someone’s no, or pressure someone to share, touch, process, forgive, reconcile, stay in a conversation, or participate beyond their capacity. Crossing a boundary, attempting to move it, and demanding someone justify it are all violations. A boundary does not require a reason. Sexual pressure lives here.
Every person has the right to pass, pause, stop, leave, or request support. No ritual or exercise is ever mandatory.
No manipulation, financial exploitation, business solicitation, status games, or spiritual authority. Connection is not a marketplace and vulnerability is not leverage. Spiritual authority is named deliberately: no one holds spiritual rank over anyone else.
Objectifying or diminishing language does not belong here. A single crude remark is a redirect; a pattern is dehumanization. Slurs and contempt directed at who a person is, rather than what they did, are handled as violations from the first occurrence.
The three starred Container Goals become Violations when they persist after being named — recruiting others into the victim triangle, talking about someone rather than to them, and romantic pursuit after a no.
What counts as “named” is deliberately observable rather than interpretive: it was named, and it continued. For a record to exist, naming has two parts — you say it to the person, and you tell a steward you said it. Telling a steward starts nothing on its own. It is a timestamp.
Who decides
By agreeing to this Code, members agree that community stewards make the call on membership and access, and that their decision stands.
Stewards explicitly do not adjudicate truth. They are not a court and they issue no findings about what happened between two people. What they decide is what the community does next — who participates, in what spaces, under what conditions. That decision can be made even when the account is contested.
What happens next
The first step is a conversation, not a consequence. Available responses, roughly in order of severity:
- Interruption in the moment
- Repair conversation
- Written accountability
- No-contact directive between specific members
- Temporary pause from spaces
- Loss of facilitation or leadership role
- Removal from the community
First occurrence. Where someone clearly has not absorbed what they agreed to, a first occurrence is treated as education rather than removal.
That grace does not apply to sexual pressure or any unwanted sexual contact, coercion, deliberate exposure of another person’s private process, or any conduct where someone’s safety was at stake. Not knowing the Code is not a defense for these.
Immediate removal. Stewards may remove someone from all spaces immediately and without prior conversation where conduct poses an active threat to physical or psychological safety — violence or the threat of it, non-consensual sexual contact, stalking. Immediate removal is a pause on access, not a verdict. The conversation happens after the room is safe.
Protections
- Conduct that leaves the community. Where something may be a crime, the affected person decides whether to involve outside authorities. Stewards will not ask anyone to keep a criminal matter inside the community.
- No retaliation. Raising a concern in good faith is protected. Good faith is the standard, not accuracy — being wrong is not a violation. Weaponizing the process is.
- Recusal. A steward steps back where they are close to one side or have a stake. Being friendly with everyone in a community this size is not disqualifying.
- Review. A decision can be looked at once, on written request. Review asks whether the process was followed and whether something material was missed — not whether a different steward would have decided differently. Safety decisions stay in effect during review.
- Records. Stewards keep a brief written record of concerns and decisions so that patterns are visible over time. Records are held by stewards only and are not shared with the community. You may ask what has been recorded about you.
Agreement terms
- Everyone attending an event agrees to this Code at signup.
- WhatsApp groups require a first name, last initial, and a current recognizable photo. No anonymity.
- Participation is contingent on the Code, not just entry.
- Adults 18 and over.
- Changes are written down and communicated before they take effect, and never introduced during an open conflict.
- If you have resistance and still do not want to agree, you are welcome at in-person events. The WhatsApp groups are for people who have agreed.
The purpose is repair, not punishment. Most of what arrives here will be a person who acted from their own unhealed place and needs to be met — firmly, and without abandonment.
When you’re ready
Start with one.
Find something open, put your name down, and turn up. That is the whole of it.